"Cause sometimes, things are going good for someone and you should
be able to find comfort and an escape in that" - Loyle Carner
Last week I had a panic attack.
The kind that feels like all the fuses in your body are being flipped up and down at the same time. It’s a truly horrible experience. One I haven’t had for quite a while. The last time was well over a year ago at a beer festival when a lovely woman spotted me and flipped my switchboard back to reality. Leaving a lasting memory in the form of a phone contact appropriately titled:
“Jayne panic attack call me”
You may be thinking this is an odd way to start a piece about music but I promise I’ll bring it back round.
I’m never certain what brings on an attack like this. Most of the time they can catch you completely blindsided, which is often scarier. On my walk to work; waiting for a coffee; pouring pints at a beer festival or on this occasion, sitting at my desk in a luckily empty office.*
In amongst the uncertainty I started to remember back to the last time I felt like this. I began to realise there was a pattern to my behaviour. Not in the moments before the panic but in the moments after.
Once the worst was over and I could sit still, I swiped my phone, tapped open Spotify typed “not waving, but drowning” into the search bar and pressed play.
For those that don’t know, Not Waving, but Drowning is the sophomore album by British rapper Loyle Carner. If it wasn’t clear the album has become a bit of a totem for me. I mean I have the cover tattooed on my arm for god's sake and it just so happens that the album turned 5 this year so what better time to write this?
In all honesty, I have been drafting a piece about this album since about mid-April when the album actually turned 5. Up until now, I hadn’t been able to finish it or write anything for that matter. Turns out I just needed a panic attack to get the juices flowing. Funny how life works.
Right back to it.
Loyle Carner is slightly different than your average chart-topping rapper. He sets aside a lot of the traditional tropes of his genre - the threats, the boasts, the disses - and replaces them with tenderness and intimacy. He is lyrically introspective, honest and often confessional about his closest relationships and family history. His avoidance of the toxic masculine potholes that surround hip-hop feels refreshing and has helped him carve a lane all his own.
“Not Waving, Bit Drowning” brings together all the things I love about Loyle Carner. Every moment of the album is layered with soothing warmth. The music is soft and catchy. Occasionally energetic enough to dance to but mellow enough to relax and hold you still in the moment. Loyle raps in a casual but assured manner, blending in effortlessly with the soul samples.
The album is bookended by a pair of songs. One written by Loyle and one written by his mum. Loyle begins the album with 'Dear Jean' a quiet and heartfelt song about moving out of his mother's house and how they will never really be that far apart. It is a simple sentiment but one I think we all feel and often find it hard to express. 'Dear Ben' closes the album and is a beautiful poem written and performed by Carner's mum. In an interview, Carner spoke about this song and explained how people in his life had told him their parents had used his mum's poem to express how they felt to their children as they couldn't find the words.
10 times out of 10 the thought of that nearly makes me cry.
I became somewhat obsessed with this album's title track in 2023. It's not a happy song but it didn't make me feel sad. Oddly it made me feel calm. It was like an assurance that all was well. Maybe that's why I find myself returning to this album in times of unease. The album and its title track take their names from a Steve Smith poem about a man whose happy exterior is a cover for inner emotional struggle. Safe to say this hits home.
This being said the album isn't dreary and hopeless. The whole album is drenched in optimism. Songs like Ottolenghi and Angel burst with sun-soaked joy and see Loyle finding happiness in everyday life. Actually, if I had to summarise the album it would be just this:
Optimism and finding joy in the small moments
You know when you’re on a train and you've lucked out with a whole table yourself? You are sitting at the window and then all of a sudden you come across a beautiful scenic view.
The sun is out and it glints through the window and you catch its warmth but just the right amount. That’s how this album makes me feel.
*Generally speaking it’s not lucky to be alone when you have a panic attack. You would always prefer to be with people who can help and make sure you’re okay. That being said, I’m still relatively new to this job and I really didn’t want to be “the guy who had a panic attack at his desk that one time”. So in this scenario, I considered myself lucky.
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